I will never forget buying my first pair of your pants. It was during a trip to Toronto to see the Spice Girls reunion tour in 2008.
I was incredibly impressed by your store and the service your staff provided. I was absolutely in love with my first-ever pair of black groove pants with a pink band around the top – just a touch of girliness which I felt helped me show off a glimmer of my personality while wearing your magical pants.
As time passed and my travels to large cities continued, my Lululemon pant collection continued to grow. You can only imagine my sheer delight when you opened your first and only store in my home town of Halifax on my 20th birthday.
Yes Lulu, somehow I have always just felt that your pants and I were just meant to be. As a curvy girl, your pants have always hugged me in just the right places. Thanks to your stretchy luon fabric, I no longer felt the need to hide my fuller thighs and my big booty underneath baggy sweatpants or long tank tops. Thanks to you, Lulu, those parts of my body that I was once so insecure about became my pride. You made me feel strong, beautiful and proud to just be me.
In 2009, my love affair with your products only deepened as I discovered your wunder under pant. Once again, my collection grew.
Fast forward to August 2011. I purchased my first pair of run inspire crops. And a few days later during a business trip to Toronto, I learned that they were completely, one-hundred and ten per-cent see-through in the ass.
I chalked this up to having gained a few pounds. Surely I thought once I took the weight off I would be able to wear these fabulous little workout pants.
Fast forward again to May 2013. I’ve lost nearly 40 pounds. You can still see my ass right through these pants.
In celebration of my 25th birthday yesterday, my boyfriend took me over to your store to buy me a new outfit for the Bluenose Marathon events we are participating in this weekend. I’m asthmatic. I’ve lost a lot of weight. This run is a big deal to me. And what better way to feel great than in a brand-new running outfit?
After flailing around in your store like a maniac trying to find anything in a size six that was not hot pink, lime green or electric blue, I learned that your black pant shortage was extended until mid-June.
Okay, fine. Maybe I’d try something in colour.
Lulu, those magical pants that used to make me look like I had a booty comparable to a Kardashian make me look like a tub of cottage cheese stuffed into a sausage casing. How is it possible that I currently look better in a bikini than in your pants?
Despite looking absolutely dreadful, I did the bend test. And unless it’s cool for the world to see exactly what pattern your underwear are when you tip at the hips, I don’t think I passed. I even tried to go a size up. It was no help. If anything, it made matters worse.
I asked your lovely sales associate if your crops were supposed to be see-through in the butt. Her response was yes, because the material is supposed to be lightweight and breathable for running.
How am I supposed to tie my shoes?
How am I supposed to get out of my car without flashing my passenger?
I don’t know about you Lulu, but I do not know a single person who buys a pair of $88 to $98 pants ONLY for running.
Would you spend that much money on a pair of pants knowing that you wouldn’t be able to do any other form of cross-training in them? I don’t know a single person who buys workout pants knowing they will not be able to bend, squat, downward-dog or sit down in them without giving the world a little show.
Is this the best you can do, Lulu?
I will patiently await your next shipment of black luon pants with the hope that it will be just like the good ol’ days when we first got together.
But in the meantime, I am incredibly heartbroken and without a snazzy new outfit for my first-ever running race.
I hope that someday we can give our relationship another try. But for now, I’m feeling so disappointed in you that I think it’s best that we see other people.
Just remember that it’s not me, Lulu. It’s you.